Leading a Jewish Life
Question
For 22 years I was in a relationship with a Jewish man, we did not have any children but he had one son from his previous marriage. We were both from traditional backgrounds, were members of our local shul and celebrated Shabbos and the festivals together as well as going frequently to Israel where he has relatives. However he became increasingly abusive, verbally and emotionally, so we separated, which has been very stressful and depressing.
Recently I have become close to a non-Jewish man who seems to be everything I want – intelligent, respectful, and with the same interests. He says he loves being with me and wants to take things further. However, I am holding back – and as well as not being Jewish, he is 14 years younger than me. He is very interested in the religion, came to my mother’s stone setting, and met all my relatives, although I don’t think he would be interested in conversion.
I am well above child-bearing age, so that would not be a factor, and I am not completely frum, but I am wondering if I would be crazy to take such a relationship on or if I would be throwing away a chance of happiness late in life. He is sure nothing would present a barrier as far as he is concerned, but I am not sure how much he understands about leading a Jewish life, which I have to all intents and purposes been doing, and want to carry on doing.
Answers
My heart breaks thinking about all the torment and the anguish that you have been through in the past. And my heart breaks again to think that your current relationship is one that you are considering making permanent. I am not sure how to word this tactfully, so please excuse me if I do not come across as gently as I would like to.
You write that you are not sure how much the person you are currently involved with understands about leading a Jewish life, and there is no reason why he should, as he is not Jewish. And, yet, you also write that your intention is to carry on living a Jewish life, even while you are seriously involved with him. Please forgive me asking this question, but how does one go about living a Jewish life when they are involved in a relationship with a non-Jew? Such a relationship is contrary to everything that Judaism means.
The practice of not “intermarrying” is in fact one of the oldest features of Judaism. It dates back to Abraham telling Eliezer, his servant, not to find a wife for his son from the Canaanites. It continues with Isaac’s command to his son Jacob not to marry the “daughters of the land.” The practice is mentioned in the Bible as a legal prohibition, and is also part of the covenant that Ezra the scribe had the Jews make when they rebuilt the Temple after the Babylonian Exile.
In all the above cases the underlying idea of the prohibition seems to be ideological. As Jews, we have a unique identity that is connected to our purpose in the world. We are the “chosen people.” We were chosen to propagate the ethical monotheism of Judaism.
In the words of Leo Tolstoy:
“The Jew is that sacred being who has brought down from heaven the everlasting fire, and has illumined with it the entire world. He is the religious source, spring, and fountain out of which all the rest of the peoples have drawn their beliefs and their religious. The Jew is the pioneer of liberty. The Jew is the pioneer of civilization. The Jew is the emblem of eternity.”
Best wishes from the AskTheRabbi.org Team