Judge Me Not

Question

Dear Rabbi, something bad happened to me and I was upset. My friend told me that I was “overreacting” and “being irrational” – which made me even more upset! What right does she have to judge me? Does the Torah address this issue of judging another’s feelings? Thanks.

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Answers

  1. The Just Ask! - AskTheRabbi.org Team

    In “Ethics of the Fathers” (2:5) Hillel states: “Don’t judge another until you reach his place.” This means “until you have been in the exact same position.” Therefore, you can almost never judge another’s feelings.

    Even if one feels sure that the other person is overreacting, he should carefully consider if, how and when to express it. As Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar teaches, “Don’t try to appease your friend at the moment of his anger, and don’t try to comfort him when his dead lies before him.” Trying to cheer someone up at the wrong time or to tell him he’s overreacting can cause even more pain.

    There are, however, “inappropriate” emotions. For example, the Talmud forbids “crying too much” – i.e., for too long a time – at the loss of a loved one. Eventually a person must get over his loss and move forward.

    Rabbi Yisrael Salanter is reputed to have said: “When a child’s toy breaks, he feels as bad as an adult would feel if his factory was destroyed.” In short, people experience losses at different levels, so it’s nearly impossible to judge others’ feelings.

    Best wishes from the AskTheRabbi.org Team