In-Laws Community Not Following Negiah Laws
Question
Dear Rabbi,
I was raised Shomer Negiah. I learned and practiced growing up that one is only permitted to touch their spouse and immediate family members of the opposite sex. I got married over the summer, and for the first time ever, I spent a holiday out of town with my in-laws. I had a really good time with them. But they made that impossible to follow.
My mother-in-law, who dresses very modestly (albeit with short sleeves) and wears a sheitl, demands frequent hugs from me and she touches me in many different ways as if I’m her son. She is a very touchy hands-on person who constantly puts her hands on people, male and female alike, as she talks to them. It’s just the warmth she shows in her personality. I could sense she might get offended had I resisted, and to avoid an argument that would ruin our holiday visit or my relationship with her for years to come, I had to cave to her wishes.
All the female members of my wife’s family, as well as some of their friends, all hugged me or shook my hand, and my wife did the same with male relatives and friends in my in-laws community. To them, it is all a normal behavior, just the thing they do. I was too afraid to offend anyone when they don’t know me well and I am trying to make a good impression.
I did talk privately to my father-in-law about my concerns. He says their rabbi permits all this touching. I met that rabbi when I went to shul and I noticed he shakes a lot of women’s hands and even hugs some women who are close friends of his. He is very warm and friendly and beloved in the community.
There is a side of me that is feeling guilty, that I should have stood up and made it clear to everyone that I strictly observe negiah laws. But I don’t know how to be very assertive and I felt too timid and I didn’t want them to think I’m crazy.
I talked to my wife about it after we got home and she feels I should touch those who want it and not worry.
Answers
Firstly, Mazal Tov! May you and your wife be zoche to build your Bayis Ne’eman b’Yisrael for many, many years to come in good health, contentment and continued growth in Torah and Yirah.
Due to its acute sensitivity, I am not sure how to approach your question. As you are aware, what is happening in your in-law’s community is forbidden. There is no Halachic leniency that permits what you describe, and that is despite the fact that the rabbi is also doing it. There is also the issue of your in-laws, and your wife’s family in general, and your entirely understandable desire not to upset them in any way. And, finally, there is the issue of your Shalom Bayis, as your wife sounds as if she is not able to stand up to her family. But, having said all that, I do not see a Halachic way to allow you to be part of what they do.
In my humble opinion, to me it sounds as if the only possible approach is for both you and your wife, together, to tell her parents as respectfully as possible, but also clearly, that you cannot continue being a part of it. I think that it is extremely important that you both stress how much you love your in-laws and the whole family and how much you enjoy being with them. That your inability to have any physical contact with the female side of the family does not mean that you do not love and care for them. Rather, it simply means that you are trying to be as careful with the Halacha as possible. I would suggest that you do not tell them that it is forbidden, because that is very accusatory. Rather, to tell them that this is how you were always brought up and that this is the approach you received from your parents and Rebbes. And if they ask you how you can say that if their Rabbi “rules” that it is fine? I think you should just answer them that their Rabbi is not your Rav, and that you are happy to ask your Rav for his Halachic opinion.
May Hashem grant you the insight to say the right words at the right time.
Best wishes from the AskTheRabbi.org Team