Helping a Child: A Cemetery Visit?
Question
Hello Rabbi,
My wife and I are having a bit of a disagreement. I don’t know what right thing to do. My question is: at what age can I take my daughter to visit her grandfather’s gravesite?
A little background: I was born in Russia. I moved to America when I was 5. Most Russia Jews are not very religious but share a lot of values and traditions. One thing I was raised to believe is that you don’t take children with living parents to cemeteries, unless the child is old enough or married.
The issue is my wife’s father who passed 6 months ago, and my wife is only 25. She is having a hard time with the passing. Now, after 6 months, my daughter who is 7 years old is starting to get sad and cries at random times. When we ask her what’s wrong, she says that she misses grandpa. My wife thinks that taking her to visit her grandpa at the cemetery will help, and stop our daughter from having those moments of sadness/crying. I grew up with a tradition to not bring children to cemeteries and am very uncomfortable with this idea. Plus, I think this will not help, and may actually make it worse. I think we should find other ways to deal with those moments.
I would love some advice and guidance in this matter.
Thank you
Answers
I am so terribly, terribly sorry to hear of your wife’s loss. May Hashem comfort her and her entire family among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.
Your question is extremely delicate and one that might be better asked to a spiritual mentor who knows both you and your wife for advice. Having said that, I will tell you what I think, in general, without suggesting that this is what you should do. But you may want to take it under consideration.
Personally, I would suggest that you first buy a book that explains the passing of a close relative to children. There are such books that have been written specifically for a religious audience, and they come very well recommended. (Obviously, both you and your wife should read the book first to see if it is suitable for your daughter.)
If that does not help to calm her fears (or if you feel that the book is not going to help), then I feel that your wife’s suggestion to visit the cemetery might be a viable option — but only if you personally are also able to make peace with the idea. Otherwise, I fear that your daughter will pick up the tension about her visit to the cemetery, which will probably mean that the visit will not be able to achieve what your wife hopes that it will.
Best wishes from the AskTheRabbi.org Team