Miscellaneous

Dear Rabbi, I was raised Shomer Negiah. I learned and practiced growing up that one is only permitted to touch their spouse and immediate family members of the opposite sex. I got married over the summer, and for the first time ever, I spent a holiday out of town with my in-laws. I had a really good time with them. But they made that impossible to follow. My mother-in-law, who dresses very modestly (albeit with short sleeves) and wears a sheitl, demands frequent hugs from me and she touches me in many different ways as if I’m her son. She is a very touchy hands-on person who constantly puts her hands on people, male and female alike, as she talks to them. It’s just the warmth she shows in her personality. I could sense she might get offended had I resisted, and to avoid an argument that would ruin our holiday visit or my relationship with her for years to come, I had to cave to her wishes. All the female members of my wife’s family, as well as some of their friends, all hugged me or shook my hand, and my wife did the same with male relatives and friends in my in-laws community. To them, it is all a normal behavior, just the thing they do. I was too afraid to offend anyone when they don’t know me well and I am trying to make a good impression. I did talk privately to my father-in-law about my concerns. He says their rabbi permits all this touching. I met that rabbi when I went to shul and I noticed he shakes a lot of women’s hands and even hugs some women who are close friends of his. He is very warm and friendly and beloved in the community. There is a side of me that is feeling guilty, that I should have stood up and made it clear to everyone that I strictly observe negiah laws. But I don’t know how to be very assertive and I felt too timid and I didn’t want them to think I’m crazy. I talked to my wife about it after we got home and she feels I should touch those who want it and not worry.

Dear Rabbi, About 20 years ago, I came to a car rental facility. They refused to rent me a car because my credit was insufficient at the time to qualify by their standards. I eventually rented from another company that had more lenient requirements. But not before I went on a fuming tirade several minutes long in which I called the woman behind the counter every derogatory name I could possibly think of. Obviously this woman was alarmed. After this incident, I felt remorseful and extremely ashamed of myself. This was just a reaction of desperation in which I lost control. I have rarely ever acted like this in my life. I moved on from this incident, thinking I would never see her again. Since then, my financial situation and my credit improved. Working in a much different career now, I got sent on another business trip to the same place. The company I now work for booked me a car rental from the same facility. I was nervous, but I reasoned with myself that after 20 years, none of the same people who saw this are likely to be there, and even if they were, they wouldn’t remember me or the incident. During the incident back then, the woman had told me she had worked there over 27 years. I was certain that after so much time, she would not be there anymore. If she was, that meant she would have to be working there for at least 47 years, which I considered unlikely. I came to the very same counter where I stood 20 years earlier. I remembered the location, but I was sure no one would remember me. And no one did. The gentleman who made my transaction was so young, he must have been a schoolboy back then. But to my horrors, I was shocked to find that an older looking version of the woman I yelled at working there, at a desk behind the counter, seemingly in a managerial position. I was pretty sure it was her. She didn’t notice me, but I was really nervous as I made the transaction. What am I supposed to do about a situation like this? She may or may not be the same person. If she is the same person, she may or may not remember this incident. Rather than apologizing, I tried to play it safe and avoid getting noticed. I will be at this location in three more days to return the car. Since I am not completely sure if it’s the same woman, or if she would remember if it’s really her, do you think it is better if I try to apologize to her for what I did 20 years ago? Or is it better just to leave it be?

I am a kohen. I was raised orthodox and went to yeshiva. Then I rebelled and was not observant for many years. During that time, I attended a lot of funerals. Now I am getting interested in orthodoxy once again. Since I was at some funerals knowingly in violation of my kohen restrictions, does that disqualify me from Birkat Kohanim? Does it affect the kohen status of me and any sons I may have in the future?