No Visible Reward for Tzedakah

I always learned that one who gives tzedaka is supposed to be blessed with more parnassa. Well, for decades, I have given lots of tzedaka to the best of my ability, and despite all that, I have almost always struggled to pay my bills. I am currently in mountains of debt with no hope of ever getting out of it for the foreseeable future.

Most years of my adult life, I have struggled in poverty. I have tried my best to do well, but I have limited skills. As I mentioned, I have always given tzedaka when I can, whether it be minimal amounts or more.
For several years of my adult life, I have done well and earned lots of money. These periods have been very limited. And when I did, I was very generous with my tzedaka, giving at least 10% of my income. These were times when I was able to afford to. So what reward did I get? The answer is my success dried up very soon after and I sunk back into poverty.

I have never desired to be super wealthy. I only wish to be able to pay all my bills on time and to live without the anxiety of wondering where my next month’s rent or next meal are coming from. It also bothers me that my failure to earn a sufficient income has hurt others, others who are very dear to me, as I have often caused them to be disappointed in me and to have to bail me out.

Often I wonder if my failures in life are punishments for my imperfect deeds or my imperfection at reciting my daily prayers. Then again, I see there are lots of people out there whose deeds and prayers are comparable to mine and they don’t struggle like this. And of course I have prayed numerous times in many different ways for an improved parnassa, but G-d has still not granted me that.

And no, I have not lost faith in G-d. I just fail to understand why G-d has withheld this reward from me almost my entire life that I have learned about again and again.

I have asked many rabbis about this in the past and they have told me this is not a punishment but a test. Well if that’s the case, then why has this test never ended? Why has it gone on for more than half of my life? Why has it not been temporary?

I know that in reality, my job skills and prospects and my abilities to gain new skills are limited, but I know there are people out there who have more limited skills than I do, and they do much better than me. I have tried my utmost best, trying out a variety of lines of work, mostly with little or no success.

I am nearing traditional retirement age, after which I expect to be living on a fixed income, and that which is due to me is by far insufficient to pay my rent or bills. Time is running out and I won’t know what to do then.

So, if G-d is supposed to grant an improved parnassa to those who give tzedaka, why has it never happened to me after so many years?